The Good Marriage

I'm quite sure that each and every one of you knows at least one couple (if not many more) whose marriage fell into ruins over the past couple of years.  If you are still married (and happily so, rather than miserably so) then congratulations are in order.  A miserable marriage is nothing to be proud of, but it's amazing how many people will linger in one, without positive change, long past the expiry date.  I don't mean to cause problems, but have you ever stopped to ponder whether your spouse is, in fact, happily married? 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), nine psychological tasks might just be the prescription you need to make your marriage endure, grow stronger, and be a happy one.  (In order to comply with copyright requirements, I must reproduce the nine points exactly as written by the APA even though there are points I would like to enhance, clarify, or modify.  For instance, the first point speaks of not separating to the point of estrangement.  I would add:  "or isolation, which can happen when one of the partners is controlling or abusive".)  Anyhow, that's just one example.  Perhaps you will self-edit some of the points set out below.

1. Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangment, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.

2. Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner's autonomy.

3. Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and  protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.

4. For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby's entrance into the marriage.  Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple. 

5. Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.

6. Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity.  The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.

7. Use humour ("u" added to make it Canadian!) and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.

8. Nuture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner's needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.

9. Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

  

D.

"Nine Psychological Tasks for a Good Marriage", American Psychological Association (APA), www.apa.org/helpcenter/marriage.aspx.  The APA's list was compiled with thanks to Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D., who is co-author of the book The Good Marriage:  How and Why Love Lasts.