A significant person in my life once said to my son, “shame on you”. Well, to say the least, I was upset. My response to this person was, “how dare you shame him!” There is absolutely nothing positive in shame. Nothing. Shame is not a productive emotion, cognition, feeling, or burden – whatever you want to call it – to carry with you in life.
Shame is a pervasive state of feeling about oneself as opposed to a feeling about an act one has done. Shame focuses directly on the self. To contrast, guilt focuses directly on the act which was done, or not done. Shame can also arise from an act, but it is when the act becomes inextricably linked with the self, that damage occurs. Carrying around shame damages a person’s self-worth and self-esteem and ultimately makes him feel inadequate - not good enough - not acceptable as a human being. Self-contempt (self-loathing) can result and that is hardly an attitude that promotes optimal physical or psychological health.
Shame need not be inflicted by another’s judgment of you, but rather may be the judging of yourself based on personal standards you perceive as correct or desirable. What these standards are, though, may have been drilled into your head early in life through what others said to you, how others expected you to act, what others wanted you to be like, or by a barrage of media images. So, you came up with a set of standards for yourself based on others’ expectations. These standards then became inextricably linked with your self-concept as they became determinants of who you should be, and how you should be.
And, to go a little further, some people are actually ashamed of being ashamed. They don’t admit they feel shame because they are ashamed that they feel shame.
A time may very well come in your life when you believe that others will not accept you because, in your opinion, you are inadequate. You may not have started out life feeling like that – I can bet that you didn’t - but over time, influences may have caused you to embrace shame. You have a notion of who you’re supposed to be and of who others expect you to be, and if you are not actually that way in reality, you can end up being pretty hard on yourself.
I likely should end this column by suggesting you embrace your imperfections, practice self-acceptance, practice compassion towards yourself and others, show others some of your vulnerabilities and perceived flaws, and radiate self-acceptance, warts and all.
Instead, I am going to end by mentioning something I saw the other night. It was the acclaimed, recently released movie, “Barney’s Version”. Well, I have to say, I absolutely fell in love with the character, Barney. No, Barney wasn’t what I would consider a strong man, an exceptionally smart man, a handsome man, an especially accomplished man, but there was something that was so loveable about how real, how authentic the character was - not as a character, but as a human. I think he was just Barney - flaws, vulnerabilities, warts and all.
D.
