I once dated a man because I liked the sound of his voice over the telephone. Needless to say, our ‘connection’ soon fizzled after only a few dates, pleasant as they were, because I just wasn’t ‘into him’. When you meet someone that you’re attracted to, your whole body seems to switch on as certain neurotransmitters rev into high gear (like dopamine) while others (like serotonin) decrease in production. In fact, several regions of the brain know anywhere from one-200th of a second to a half-second (studies vary widely) before we consciously do, that we are attracted to someone.
I also dated a very charming, very handsome, very attentive man for a while. I ignored the red flags which went off in my brain (the adventurer that I was) as he pursued me and gradually broke down my defenses, and sure enough, this man ended up to be major bad news - harassing me, stalking me, and putting me through a harrowing criminal trial which stretched over the course of several months. What can I say, my primary goal in dating has never been to land a husband and the electricity of our connection drew me in big time… When I tried to leave the relationship after realizing the guy was a psychopath (extremely low self-esteem, lacked empathy, and so on - read my December 2010 blog about psychopathy), things became difficult. Let me just say, I’m glad I survived this decades-old debacle.
Researchers believe that our strongest perceptions of mutual attraction develop in those first encounters where two people have a measurable physiological reaction to one another: something akin to electricity rather than the oft-touted ‘chemistry’. And, researcher, Pieternel Dijkstra, of the University of Groningen says that initial infatuation is driven largely by lust.(1) Lust is not, however, necessarily a death sentence to a relationship in the long term and if that type of passion can be maintained throughout it is definitely a plus; provided, of course, that it’s not the only thing you are using to try to sustain the relationship. A 2007 study of 137 couples found no difference in commitment, intimacy, or relationship quality after 25 years between those who fell in love (lust) at first sight and those who were friends before they fell in love .(2)
In a somewhat related vein, if you are excited about someone, uncertainty about their interest in you can heighten your attraction to them. You have a drive within you to reduce the uncertainty of the situation which causes you to obsess, which in turn deepens your feelings of attraction. The previously mentioned increase in the production of dopamine also enhances focus on the object of your desire. Many of your senses can become quite over-stimulated on the high of infatuation.
Until very recently, I was normally a person who was not ‘easily available’. I didn’t, however, ‘play hard to get’ which seems to be prescribed as something to do in all popular dating advice columns and books these days, but was naturally ambivalent and not easily available due to the simple fact that I had my own life in which I was thriving. I loved the companionship, adventure and connection of having an intimate relationship, but was never on the marriage track, which I’m sure I signaled, albeit subconsciously. In the twist of fate that life often holds for us, because marriage was not on my agenda, many of the men I dated, in fact, ended up wanting to marry me.
When in dating mode, if “you don’t seem too available, it makes you mysterious,” states Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction.(3) But beware, you have to walk a fine line here because playing hard to get can backfire. We like people who like us back, according to Peter Jonason, a researcher at New Mexico State University.(4) Although playing hard to get works because it increases a person’s perceived value – the simple economics of lower availability increasing demand, like those high-end, extremely expensive purses that are made by hand at the rate of about six per year – it can be a dangerous game. If you seem too unattainable, the other person may simply give up. Use your ‘lack of availability’ with caution.
D.
(1) and (2), Psychology Today, February 2008, p. 34
(3) and (4), Psychology Today, February 2008, p. 77
