I recently came across a letter I wrote a while back in response to an article in the January 2005 issue of Canadian Living Magazine. I thought that the contents of the letter would make a good post for this particular blog. So, here it goes. (You'll be able to figure out, from the contents of the letter, what the article I was responding to was all about.)
Dr. David Posen "missed the mark" with his usage of the word "should" in "Happy New You" (paragraph 3, page 54, January 2005). Even though he was trying to convey to us some examples of positive reprogramming of that little inner voice, the word "should" carries with it too many connotations of guilt and obligation to form any part of a healthy relationship with ones self. It is never the right word to use for positive self-talk or reinforcement. Better phraseology would be "my needs are important" or "I think I will do that for myself because it is something I enjoy doing". In fact, one could even argue that he contradicts the initial content of his previous paragraph where he mentions standing up to the "shoulds" and "musts". Even when trying to use "should" in a positive manner, as Dr. Posen attempts to do when he writes, "I should be able to do something for myself...I should start taking better care of myself" the feelings of guilt and obligation still lurk beneath these suggested phrases. Such feelings perpetuate the process of "beating ourselves up" because we should be taking better care of ourselves, but we are not. This can only detract from the goal of achieving a "happy new you". The less we fill our heads with "should messages", the more at peace we will be.
D.
About Me
- Deborah K. Hanula
- Deborah K. Hanula has a year of Journalism training from Humber College, a Political Science degree from the University of Waterloo, and a Law degree from the University of British Columbia. In addition, she has Diplomas in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Child Psychology, and Psychotherapy and Counselling as well as a Family Life Educator and Coach Certificate and Certificates in Reflexology, Assertiveness Training, and Mindfulness Meditation. She is the author of five cookbooks, primarily concerned with gluten-free and dairy-free diets, although one pertains to chocolate. As an adult, in the past she worked primarily as a lawyer, but also as a university and college lecturer, a tutor, editor, writer, counsellor, researcher and piano teacher. She enjoys a multi-faceted approach when it comes to life, work and study, in order to keep things fresh and interesting. Check out her new book: A Murder of Crows & Other Poems (2023).
