Children and Our Values

Even though our children will take on our values as their own while they are young, there is no guarantee that they will keep them. As they mature, they will constantly look at, assess and reassess the rules and values they inherited from us.  This is growth: growth towards becoming separate, complete and whole individuals.

D.

From the book, "It's not fair, Jeremy Spencer's parents let him stay up all night!", by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D., HarperCollinsCanadaLtd., 1995.

(As an aside, I get a real kick out of the title of another book by Anthony Wolf: "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?")

Belonging

A sense of belonging can be an important source of happiness and life satisfaction.  Social identity theory hypothesizes that fitting in with a group is integral to an individual's identity, influencing his or her feelings of self-worth and life satisfaction.

D.

Scientific American Mind, September/October 2011, "The Many Faces of Happiness", Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, p. 53.

The Power of Creating 'Flow' in Your Life

There are so many things that I enjoy doing that don't make me any money, but put me in the state of 'flow' which is so essential to good mental health. Things like taking photos, keeping up my various blogs, writing, researching, gardening, and more, thoroughly nourish me. I can wile away hours in something I would term the 'zen zone' and the time spent during these hours is so much more gratifying than say, zoning out in front of the television.

Finding intense engagement and absorption in the things that you do creates tremendous satisfaction in daily life. According to studies carried out by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, professor of psychology at Claremount University in California, flow experiences lead to positive emotions in the short term. In the long term, those who reported more flow experiences were generally happier people. People vary in their ability to enter flow, and this ability can vary from day to day depending on a number of factors. Also, recognizing how flow occurs in your life - or doesn't occur - and working to create more opportunities for experiences of flow can be a precursor to feeling increased happiness.

While you are in flow, hours can pass like minutes; hence, the old saying about how time flies when you are having fun! Something you love - something you can lose yourself in - is key. You aren't preoccupied with yourself, but focused on whatever it is that you are doing.  Some people can experience flow just folding laundry or washing dishes, provided they focus on the task at hand. Flow and mindfulness go hand in hand. You aren't wondering how others are perceiving you, but rather your awareness of yourself is only in relation to what it is that you are doing. Extraneous thoughts don't invade your mind. The activity itself, rather than what you wish to ultimately accomplish by the activity (the goal), is in itself rewarding.  Flow activities are not passive, (like zoning out in front of the tv), and you have at least some control over what you are doing. Although flow activities require effort, when you achieve flow, everything seems to click so that it feels effortless. Flow is intrinsically rewarding, so you have the motive to recreate it when you have the opportunity to do so.

For flow experiences to occur, there must be a balance between the challenge of the activity and the level of skill you need in order to perform it. The activity must fully engage your mind in order to avoid creating feelings of boredom, so must be challenging enough to do so. Conversely, a project or task too challenging for your skill set will create anxiety.

D.

Source:  "Positive Psychology:  Harnessing the power of happiness, mindfulness, and inner strength", Julie Corliss (writer), Ronald D. Siegel, Psy. D. (medical editor), Harvard Health Publications, Harvard Medical School, Harvard University, 2013.

Six Human Virtues

According to University of Pennsylvania psychologist, Martin Seligman, there are six human core characteristics (so-called virtues) that seem to be universally valued and are worth nurturing/developing in yourself with a view towards living a satisfying or happy existence. They are: wisdom, humanity, courage, justice, temperance and transcendence.  

Wisdom encompasses the following strengths: creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning and perspective. Use your imagination to develop new ideas and objects and also to invent solutions to practical problems. Show interest in, and be eager to learn about, a wide variety of topics. Have new experiences.  Explore. Examine issues from each side as fairly as you can. Don't let preconceptions get in the way. Let new evidence change your mind, if it sheds a different light on things. Build knowledge and master new skills and subjects. Perspective provides you with the ability to give wise counsel to other people.  You make sense of the world in a way that makes sense to yourself and to others.

Humanity sees a person exhibiting strengths which promote and nurture friendships and other relationships.  It involves social or emotional intelligence, love and kindness. Become aware of your motives and feelings as well as those of others. Develop your ability to fit into various social situations, to give and receive love, to maintain close relationships, and to nurture and care for others while exhibiting generosity, compassion and altruism.

Courage is acting in the face of fear, rather than the absence of fear. Carry out strengths of will that assist you in the face of internal or external obstacles. Show integrity by speaking truthfully, sincerely and presenting yourself authentically. Be responsible for your actions, thoughts and feelings. Bravery involves not shrinking from challenges, difficulties, threats or pain. Involve yourself fully in life: vitality, wholeheartedness, enthusiasm, energy. 

Justice involves the ability to use your strengths to foster a healthy community. The key here is fairness: dealing with people while having an open mind, so as to treat them fairly and justly without letting personal feelings bias your decisions. Teamwork and leadership are essential.

Temperance involves protective traits such as self-discipline and willpower that help you stay on track in the face of temptations. Avoid excesses. Practice forgiveness and nullify hatred and anger. Humility tempers arrogance: let your accomplishments speak for themselves. Take care in what you say and do, so as to avoid later regret.

Transcendence takes you beyond yourself and connects you to others, to the world, and possibly to something greater than yourself. It allows you to appreciate beauty, skill and excellence, whether it be expressed in nature, performance, profession or in everyday things. Spirituality, gratitude, hope and humour are essential in your quest to reach beyond the self. Laugh, play, and bring a smile to another's face.

D.

Source:  "Positive Psychology:  Harnessing the power of happiness, mindfulness, and inner strength", Julie Corliss (writer), Ronald D. Siegel, Psy. D. (medical editor), Harvard Health Publications, Harvard Medical School, Harvard University, 2013.

  

Positive Psychology

The field of positive psychology has grown tremendously in the past few years. Methods of positive psychology are now widely used by mental health professionals to help a variety of people with a wide array of problems.

Psychologist Martin Seligman, of the University of Pennsylvania, kicked the field of positive psychology into high gear in the 1990's with his ground-breaking concept of "learned optimism".  Seligman found that optimism is a trait which most happy people seem to have.  He also found that optimism - if a person does not seem to be naturally prone to it - can be taught, learned, and utilized to change a person's life for the better.  Optimism can be nurtured by teaching people to challenge their patterns of negative thinking and to appreciate, and focus on, their strengths.  The idea that people can become happier by building upon and growing their natural, inherent strengths is central to positive psychology.

In 2011, Seligman developed the concept of "PERMA":  positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. He submits that these components allow us to flourish because they are the building blocks of a fulfilling life. (By the way, his 2011 book, Flourish is a very interesting read.)

Positive psychology does have its share of critics who contend that it ignores suffering and denigrates sadness and that it forces people to suppress their anxieties, worries, stresses, and traumas. Furthermore, it encourages people to just "put on a happy face" while discomforting and damaging issues are suppressed and never properly dealt with so that healing can take place.  Additionally, they argue that not allowing negative emotions to be expressed is demoralizing and damaging to individuals suffering very real anguish.

Most of the previous mental health research has focused on alleviating suffering by treating disorders while doing nothing to enhance an individual's life beyond lessening the effect of the disorder.  At best, a neutral state of mind was the aim. Positive psychology, however, focuses on previously ignored ideas of positive emotion and meaning that are important to a person's quality of life.  It embraces the full array of emotions, including sadness, pain, and grief and attempts to help people get passed these emotions towards building a more resilient nature or response in the face of adversity.

D.

Source:  "Positive Psychology:  Harnessing the power of happiness, mindfulness, and inner strength", Julie Corliss (writer), Ronald D. Siegel, Psy. D. (medical editor), Harvard Health Publications, Harvard Medical School, Harvard University, 2013.

On Fear and Resilience

For some people, fear is constricting and can even be paralyzing.  For others, fear can be energizing and can serve as a catalyst for growth.  Whether we allow fear to diminish us or we find a way to enlist it as an ally, it has an enormous impact on how we conduct our lives.

We have to face our fears as boldly as we can in order to become resilient or more resilient.

D.

(From the book titled "Resilience: The Science of Facing Life's Greatest Challenges", by S. Southwick and D. Charney, Cambridge University Press, 2012.)

Building Resiliency in Children

According to George S. Everly, Jr., Ph.D. the author of The Resilient Child, the most essential lesson a parent can teach a child is the ability to cope with stress and adversity.  "This is known as resilience, which can be thought of as the ability to be resistant to stress (a kind of immunity), as well as the ability to rebound from adversity.  It also may be the critical difference between happiness and regret, success or failure."  (p.8)

If a parent can school a child in resilience, then when adversity comes his way when he is no longer living at home, and he doesn't need a parent in order to deal with it, then the parent will know that she has been successful. One of the best things one can do as a parent, beyond unconditionally loving and accepting a child for who he is, and providing the basic necessities of life such as nutritional food and safe shelter, is to strive to make the role as parent obsolete.

In order to meet the objective of building resilience in a child, we must allow children, teach children, to develop the inner strength  that makes all things possible.  A powerful set of actions, beliefs and codes is vital.  Together, these form the core strength of personal character.

Everly describes seven essential lessons for building resilience in a child and calls these lessons the ABC's of creating and supporting inner strength.  A stands for Actions, B for Beliefs and C, of course, stands for Codes.

The first four lessons discuss actions.  Lesson #1 calls for the building of strong relationships with friends and mentors.  Lesson #2 calls for the courage to make difficult decisions.  Lesson #3 teaches responsibility:  the child must own his own actions. The fourth lesson discusses self-investment:  the best way for the child to help others and himself is to stay healthy. I would add that actions towards supporting health require willpower/self-control/self-discipline - a key element in the formula required for leading a successful life.

Everly goes on to write that actions need support from beliefs.  Lesson #5 is learned or natural optimism.  Learn to think on the bright side and to use the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy.  Lesson #6 covers the development of faith:  the belief in something greater than yourself.

Finally, Everly discusses the code and writes that it is "an overarching set of principles or rules that ultimately serves to guide all of a person's actions." (p.10)  Follow a moral compass and strive to have integrity.

Everly believes that these lessons can help children develop the inner strength of character needed to create the resiliency required to face the challenges in life.  What a gift to give to our children:  to have resilience regardless of the events they may encounter in their lives.

D.

The Resilient Child:  Seven Essential Lessons for your Child's Happiness and Success, George S. Everly, Jr., Ph.D., The Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health, Center for Public Health Preparedness, Loyola College in Maryland, and The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Sloane Brown, DiaMedica Publishing, 2009.