The Pain of Ostracism

Another use for Tylenol?  Seems there is.  I can already picture the new television ads:  a teenager comes home from school after suffering some sort of social rejection, Mom or Dad provides a hug, perhaps a glass of milk, and a couple of Tylenol…

According to two 2010 studies by University of Kentucky psychologist C. Nathan DeWall, painkillers can reduce the sting of social rejection just as they do physical pain.  It appears that physical pain and social rejection share neural pathways in the brain.  “Being ignored and left out activates the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, a region linked with the emotional aspects of physical agony, and the insula, an area instrumental in judging pain severity.  Taking a painkiller (here it was acetaminophen) squelches both neural responses to ostracism”* (being ignored and excluded – social rejection). 

Individual differences in how tough or sensitive we are have little influence on the initial intensity of the pain from ostracism, though it can be a factor in how we cope with the pain and in how quickly we bounce back from it.

“No matter how people are left out, their response is swift and powerful, inducing a social agony that the brain registers as physical pain.  Even brief episodes involving strangers or people we dislike activate pain centers, incite sadness and anger, increase stress, lower self-esteem and rob us of a sense of control.”**

*Scientific American Mind (January/February 2011), “The Pain of Exclusion”, Kipling D. Williams, p. 35.

**Scientific American Mind (January/February 2011), “The Pain of Exclusion”, Kipling D. Williams, p. 32.

D.

Shameful

A significant person in my life once said to my son, “shame on you”.  Well, to say the least, I was upset.  My response to this person was, “how dare you shame him!”  There is absolutely nothing positive in shame.  Nothing.  Shame is not a productive emotion, cognition, feeling, or burden – whatever you want to call it – to carry with you in life.

Shame is a pervasive state of feeling about oneself as opposed to a feeling about an act one has done.  Shame focuses directly on the self.  To contrast, guilt focuses directly on the act which was done, or not done.  Shame can also arise from an act, but it is when the act becomes inextricably linked with the self, that damage occurs.  Carrying around shame damages a person’s self-worth and self-esteem and ultimately makes him feel inadequate - not good enough - not acceptable as a human being.  Self-contempt (self-loathing) can result and that is hardly an attitude that promotes optimal physical or psychological health.

Shame need not be inflicted by another’s judgment of you, but rather may be the judging of yourself based on personal standards you perceive as correct or desirable.  What these standards are, though, may have been drilled into your head early in life through what others said to you, how others expected you to act, what others wanted you to be like, or by a barrage of media images.  So, you came up with a set of standards for yourself based on others’ expectations.  These standards then became inextricably linked with your self-concept as they became determinants of who you should be, and how you should be.

And, to go a little further, some people are actually ashamed of being ashamed.  They don’t admit they feel shame because they are ashamed that they feel shame.

A time may very well come in your life when you believe that others will not accept you because, in your opinion, you are inadequate.  You may not have started out life feeling like that – I can bet that you didn’t - but over time, influences may have caused you to embrace shame. You have a notion of who you’re supposed to be and of who others expect you to be, and if you are not actually that way in reality, you can end up being pretty hard on yourself.   

I likely should end this column by suggesting you embrace your imperfections, practice self-acceptance, practice compassion towards yourself and others, show others some of your vulnerabilities and perceived flaws, and radiate self-acceptance, warts and all.   

Instead, I am going to end by mentioning something I saw the other night.  It was the acclaimed, recently released movie, “Barney’s Version”.  Well, I have to say, I absolutely fell in love with the character, Barney.  No, Barney wasn’t what I would consider a strong man, an exceptionally smart man, a handsome man, an especially accomplished man, but there was something that was so loveable about how real, how authentic the character was - not as a character, but as a human.  I think he was just Barney - flaws, vulnerabilities, warts and all.

D.

Let There Be Light

I was listening to a radio program on CBC Radio One a couple of years ago.  A doctor was talking about navigating through the rainy and cloudy days of the city where I live.  He said something which has stuck with me ever since.  He stressed the importance of getting some outside time, during daylight hours, even on the most dreary of days in order to stay as upbeat as possible.  He went on to say that even on a cloudy day there is more natural light outside than inside one's home.  Then, last evening (when I should have been sleeping) I was reading an article from "Scientific American Mind" (June/July 2007 issue) which included a discussion of the sleep disruptions observed in persons suffering from Alzheimer's disease, and came across some numbers which shed a bit more light (no pun intended ) on the matter.  According to the article, the average living room has 50 lux* of light.  In comparison, dull winter daylight reaches about 5,000 lux per day.  What a huge difference, even when simply dealing with averages.  

(*one lux equals one lumen per square metre.)

D.

Afar and Anxious

Contrary to popular belief, distance likely does not make the heart grow fonder.  In fact, studies have recently been completed that reveal that geographical distance between adult romantic partners likely stresses the heart.  And, not in a good way – not like the stress of a good workout. 

After much anecdotal evidence showed that long-term separation from a romantic partner can lead to increased anxiety and depression as well as sleep disturbances, a physiological study on male prairie voles was carried out.  All it took was a four-day separation before the voles exhibited signs of anxiety and depression.  They also showed increased levels of corticosterone (like the human stress hormone, cortisol).  Separation from siblings did not have the same effect.  It appears that the effects of mate separation resemble the physiological effects of drug withdrawal:  irritability, sleep disturbances, increased cortisol levels.   

Some adults suffer acutely when separated from spouses or romantic partners and don’t require a four-day separation to start feeling depressed, anxious, or both.  Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder is very real and estimates are that it affects about 15 to 20 percent of the population.  It usually onsets during the early years of adulthood and normally arises from unresolved separation anxiety or trauma-induced separation anxiety during the very early years of childhood.  For most young sufferers, this anxiety disappears during the middle to later childhood and the teenage years, never to return.  For some though, it can rear its ugly head again in the twenties or thirties as overwhelming feelings of dread and panic overtake when separation – even for a relatively short time – occurs.  Without treatment, it can become a life-long condition. 

D.

To Trust or Not to Trust

Perhaps the hair on the back of your neck stands straight up, perhaps a chill runs down your spine, or a knot forms in the pit of your stomach when someone says to you:  “Trust me!”

There is a subtle, yet powerful difference between the phrases, “Trust me” and “You can trust me”.  Can you perceive the difference?  The key is the intuitive feeling invoked when this statement is spoken to you.  When someone says to you, “trust me”, they are actually implicating, or calling into question, your character as they place the onus directly on you. YOU MUST trust and if you don’t then YOU are lacking, or there is something wrong with YOU.  It is akin to them ‘guilting’ you into trusting them, and if you choose not to trust them, the implication is that it reflects poorly on you rather than on them.  Having the onus placed squarely upon you, however, can make you feel uncomfortable rather than trusting.

On the other hand, if a person says, “You can trust me”, the onus shifts from you to them.  The person is saying to you, not that YOU must show good character and trust THEM, but that they, themselves, are trustworthy.   

See the difference?  It is subtle yet very real.  “You can trust me”, speaks to THEIR character rather than to yours.  It implies that they are trustworthy and you are reassured rather than made to feel uncomfortable, perhaps even defensive.  You are not put on the spot.  It doesn’t make you squirm.  “You can trust me” is all about the person making the statement rather than about the person receiving the statement.  It calms and reassures in advertisements and it does the same in our day to day interactions with other people.

Now, having written all that, if a person has a bad track record in the trust department, it may very well be that, no matter what he or she says to you, your gut reaction may be quite the opposite of a trusting one.

D.

Another Crime - Another Psychopath?

Maybe you’ve heard the notion that Wall Street is full of psychopaths, or that a large number of positions of great power, prestige and financial gain are held by psychopaths, or that they are over-represented in business and politics.  Well, that has not been definitively proven, but each day psychopaths walk among us.  Sounds a bit like a trailer for a horror movie...  All kidding aside, exactly what a psychopath is has been distorted through popular media.  Many of you likely think you know, as labels like ‘violent psychopath’ and ‘psychopathic serial killer’ abound in news and other reporting. Psychopathy, though, is generally misunderstood.

A specific set of personality traits and behaviours lead to the diagnosis of psychopathy.  Psychopaths tend to appear very charming, making a good first impression on others.  They appear normal.  Under that veneer of normalcy, however, is a self-centered, dishonest, undependable, irresponsible person largely devoid of guilt, empathy and love.  We all know people who act dishonestly, or self-centered, or irresponsible, but the real clincher in the psychopathic personality is the lack of guilt, empathy and love.  In addition, casual and callous interpersonal and romantic relationships are the norm where blame for irresponsible or reckless actions is placed on others.  And, according to Robert Hare, a psychologist with the University of British Columbia, psychopaths show interpersonal deficits like grandiosity, arrogance and deceitfulness, affective deficits like lack of guilt and empathy, and impulsive and criminal behaviours like sexual promiscuity and stealing.  Some would even go so far as to say psychopaths have no soul, but that is a debate for another time and place.

Psychopaths are usually male.  We don’t really know why this is the case – at least not yet.  They are present in most, perhaps all, cultures – even Inuit societies have talked of persons within their ranks who fit the description of what it means to be a psychopath. 

A popular notion is that most serial killers are psychopaths.  Most serial killers, it turns out, aren’t.  They may possess one or more of the traits which define psychopathy, but most psychopaths aren’t even violent.  The other side of the coin is true, too:  most violent people are not psychopaths.  In fact, some notorious serial killers like Charles Manson and David Berkowitz displayed features of psychosis (e.g. schizophrenia is a psychosis: a lapse from reality) rather than psychopathic behaviour.  Psychopaths are usually quite rational whereas Berkowitz believed he was receiving commands from a dog. 

We may never successfully infuse the core personality traits into psychopaths which would enable them to feel things like love, empathy and guilt.  Psychotherapy may prove useful, however, to change behaviour.

D.

ID vs. EGO

I'm sure that everyone reading this blog has heard of Freud - Sigmund Freud - the so-called 'father' of psychoanalysis.  (If you want more info on Freud, "google" him!)

Anyhow, Freud took the view that people's personalities are formed through experiences at the conscious, preconscious and unconscious levels of awareness.  His theory of personality incorporates three primary concepts:  the id, ego and superego.  We've all been with someone, at one time or another, who we think has a large ego, a very large ego, one the size of New York city perhaps.  We are usually reacting to some bragging, cockiness, or self-absorption on their part.  What we really should be thinking, though, is "wow, that person's id is sure working overtime!" 

You see, the id, in the Freudian sense of the word, is what is overactive when someone is conveying with words, or otherwise: "look at me, look at me - can't you see how great I am!"  The ego isn't what is on display here;  in fact, the ego hasn't surfaced at all in order to moderate the influence of the id.  We might think, "what a big ego" when in fact, it is the id (the child in each of us) that does the boasting and playing up.  The ego is the rational (adult) side of our personalities, but in today's world, it seems, it gets blamed for the id's 'misbehaviour'.  All emotions, moods, drives, playfulness and misbehaving are id or child features.

Our maturity depends, according to Freud's theory, on our ability to strengthen our Adult (ego) whose role is to resolve the conflict between our inner Child (id) and our inner Parent (superego).  The Parent is the moralizing, criticizing, bossing, blaming and punishing aspect.  The Adult - the moderator - is all logic, planning, problem-solving, peace-keeping and mediating.   If you are like most people I know, including myself, we tend to alternate between all three inner 'beings'.  Which one becomes dominant in any given situation depends on the situation, how we are feeling in the situation, and other factors.

The next time you're at a cocktail party, however, and you're at the receiving end of a person talking AT you, you might just find yourself thinking "wow, what an "id---".

D.